Driving with the brakes on

I am not a happy man today. My frustration level is off the charts. Not at you nor with you, but at myself.  My recovery is simply not moving forward at a rate my brain acknowledges as movement. It's pace is like that of a glacier (less the global warming should you subscribe to that). It's like driving with the brakes on. I know, we all get injured, we all have stories, we all recover. Fine, tell me more, please oh please. I'll package it up and send it to some kid in Argentina - it doesn't help him either. You might think me pissy right now - maybe you don't like me - or maybe, just maybe you understand. Will that person step forward and raise their hand. A little higher please, I can't quite see it....

Have you even driven with one foot on the gas while resting the other gently on the brake?  The fuel or energy you burn isn't the same. You need to expend more only to get less from it. Your progress is slowed. You are working against yourself and your engine pays the price. My engine I fear is fucked. Maybe it's worse - maybe the whole thing is totaled. That would be impossible I believe since I've not been in a wreak. I admit that there are enough parts and pieces of me that don't feel quite right that the repo man would drive right by figuring the remaining value isn't worth his effort. Come on Mikey, don't be that way. You're just feeling sorry for yourself. Really?  I want to frickin run, lose weight, look in the mirror and count more than one ab. No, I'm not pregnant, just retaining a little water this week....but thanks for asking....jerk.

Here's the thing, sunshine is magic. Huh? Where the hell is he going with this?  Another little yellow pill perhaps (NO!).  Keep your pants on, I'm getting to it. Never...never before have I started a blog, walked away from it for hours then came back to finish. It's normally a sit on down and it just flows out - done. Today was different. I had knocked out the first two paragraphs when a sunbeam fell upon my face. It offered me a getaway, an escape. It's warmth was soothing, calming, and irresistible. My pain had not disappeared yet it was not the same poison that was pumping through my mind and body just minutes earlier. The sunbeam took me outside and carried me off.  I was now on a journey. Hours flew by like minutes and my frustration began to melt away.  Funny thing about that sunbeam - it never left me alone, never let my smile fade, it just stayed with me. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me but it might have even smiled back. I have always fancied sunbeams but this one was different. I must say I love that sunbeam.

Now the fact remains that I am having a dickins of a time getting all my parts and pieces working correctly. I know that this journey will force my emotions to ebb and flow until I am cured or I simply become used to the agitations my body inflicts on me. I will work on one thing at a time and maybe, maybe quit being so impatient. Those who know me also know that patience is not my strength. When I whine will you call me a PAMF or will you baby my feelings?  Please don't baby me. Drive me. Crush me. Make my competitive side reach deep to find the things I can do while my body makes repairs to those areas in trouble. These small victories will help and who knows, maybe all this shit is tied together and something will click and all will be as it should be. That day I fear is not tomorrow nor the day after. I know it's out there though, it has to be. Until then I sure hope that sunbeam doesn't go anywhere. I'd like it to stay forever.