Lost

Runners run. That's what they do. We all run for different reasons and each reason is exactly the right one for that person at that time. It's therapy....it's training for a personal best...we run to things and we run away from things....sometimes we run to forget things. Running doesn't define us but it shapes us. It can keep you grounded, centered, focused. What happens when a runner doesn't run anymore?  There's a feeling of being out of sync, life's rhythm is out of balance, you feel lost. 

Though I've been running this year I am clearly out of rhythm. I've ran 10 races this year. I started with a 5k in January that had me jumping into Lake Washington, ran a 5 miler, a 187 mile relay, a triathlon relay, a 5k obstacle course, and many 'regular' 5k's mixed in. I started this year saying that I wanted it to be different and my races have reflected that. What I didn't know is that my whole life would change this year. Holy F***! I got more than I bargained for. I am upside down and inside out. I look in the mirror and see someone I don't recognize. I know that person is a good person inside but constant actions prove otherwise. I'm lost.

I continue to lose without gaining. If this were a weight loss program it'd be great, but its not, it's my life. It's been like trying to hold sand in your hands only to see it pour through your fingers. You squeeze your hands tighter to stop it only to see it flow out faster. What you have left in your hands are scattered grains of who you are, who you were. You quickly start to pick up the sand to put your life back together and the tide comes in and washes part of it away, never to come back. You see that what was washed away were those things you never wanted to lose. The tide won't wash away the pain you caused others, promises broken, trust shattered. Life makes you keep those things. Maybe as a reminder. Maybe as punishment, a weight you must carry for what you did. I have made poor choices and saw myself doing it. It was like watching someone else, wondering who that person is but unable to slow the string of stupidity.

I didn't sleep last night, not a single minute. I spent the night looking out my window into the backyard and out into the darkness. Trying to understand my self-destruction.  How many chances should a guy get in life? The answer is one. That's all any of us should ever need to always do the right thing. I got two and yet found a way to destroy that. If you see a mushroom cloud in the distance, I was probably there. Number three will never come. I realized a lot throughout the night. Much I won't share even in this blog. One thing I did realize is that I am me when I do for others without thinking about what's in it for me and letting life embrace me, come to me. I got away from that only to find myself grasping at the sand slipping through my fingers. 

Today will be day one. A day of good decisions and listening to the voice that I recognize, ignoring the one that has been lurking in the dark, whispering in my ear. Life is not about me but about those around me. I have a heavy heart for those I have wronged and treated badly. I don't expect their forgiveness nor do I believe I deserve it. All one can do is step forward because you can't change yesterday. I'll run again. My rhythm will come back. Michael will come back. Light snow is falling and it makes me smile. Time to go brush my teeth - I hope the mirror remembers me.